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“Bad-Bard, Bad-Bard, Watcha’
gonna do?” Or “Help, Help, I’m being oppressed!” By “True” Thomas Whitehart, Bard of Strongbow For The Tower, the Siege Tower of Strongbow |
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You know, if you play this game long
enough, sooner or later things you hear about eventually happen to you.
As a single parent, my days are all about scheduling and trying to
multi-task. For instance, I can give a spelling quiz to a 6th grader,
while making dinner and paying bills. I’ve been doing laundry in front
of the TV for so long, that now when I watch TV, I automatically reach
for things to fold. So, in the spirit of Multi-tasking, while my son has
been going to tae-kwon-do practice, I’ve used that time to get in shape,
run errands and so on. Often times, when the budding martial artists are
outside waiting for their class, they will as a group practice some of
their staff and nun-chuk moves. So, I figured, “Hey! Maybe I can get in
some Pell work?” Therein lies the tale.
In the pod-mall where there the Martial Art school resides, there are several rugged palm trees. Nice and straight, no messy branches, and handily nearby. So, pulling my heater shield from my trunk, and rattan longsword, I’ve been attempting to make myself look less laughable on the battlefield. Slow and steady, I’ve been trying to figure out the mysteries of Bellatrix, Iron Chicken, and some of the moves I’ve seen other fighters do. During this time, I’ve come to the conclusion that Sir Edward The Sinister must be triple jointed, and Duke Edric has the ability to fold time and space. But I digresss. Practice I did. Whap-Whap-Whap-Whap. Whap-Whappity-Whap-a-whap-yeeOWCH!” Sigh. . |
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Sure, I got some odd looks from people. Some teen-agers snickered, some people cheered, and others just shrugged. This is California, after all. Several months went by. I kept hoping that some Uber-Mega-Duke would pull up to up to the 7-11 nearby and say, “Ahem. You know, m’lord, that round thing is called a basket hilt, and that’s where your hand goes….so that thrusty part there, well, that’s the part that goes against the tree.” Unfortunately, out where I live in Newbury Park, if there are any SCA heavy fighters in my area, like Sith Lords, they’ve not chosen to reveal themselves just yet. However, one day another authoritative figure chose to taken an interest in my practice. One day it happened. Sure enough, there I was, facing my dreaded opponent “Sir Pell-in-or Palm D’Or”, when “5-0” rolled up on me, catching me dirty. For you without the “street-cred” of us hardened criminals, that’s when a member of the local law enforcement rolled up in a black and white police car. The officer sat in the vehicle and studied me for a second. And then, he got out. Seeing as he was not actually heading to the donut shop next door, I wisely decided to cease my thrashings and flailing. Being a student of history, I realize that “Mr. 9mm” beats “Mr. Wooden Shield” pretty much every time. I smiled cheerfully. “Uh….hello!” With no emotion whatsoever, he responded. “What are you doing?” While hundreds of cute answers sprang to my bardic mind, such as “A Lataverian fertility ritual?” “Holistic Gardening?” my brain rapidly discarded those answers, as I actually wanted to be there when my kid got out of class. So I told him the truth. A few minutes later, after examining my “sword” (aka potential deadly force “club” in Law Enforcement parlance) he told me that someone had called in a report that a “loonie” was “attacking telephone poles with a sword.” Ah. White-bread, boring, narrow minded Newbury Park. How I love thee. After showing him that my “improv” pell, (sadly, much like my fighting SCA colleagues) had suffered little or no harm from my attacks, I inquired “is what I’m doing illegal?” He shook his head. “No. But if you keep doing it, people will probably keep calling. And we’ll probably have to keep coming out.” I scratched my head. “And if I did it in the park?” He shrugged. “Probably would not make any difference. We would still have to investigate.” He took some notes for his book, and carefully noting my gang affiliation “House Strongbow” (we rule da hood.) While taking the notes he mentioned that he had been invited by a friend to a “solstice party with a group in a place called Dun Tyr”. He seemed a little unclear on what that was all about. I assured him that he would probably have a grand time. Eventually, the officer got back into the police cruiser. As he was about to roll away he asked me. “Why that particular palm tree?” I smiled. “It insulted my parentage.” Again, solemnly, he nodded. “Yup. They’ll do that.” And drove away. The other parents outside the class have been eyeing me somewhat nervously since then, what, with me being a hardened telephone pole attacking loon and all. So if there are any folks out in the Newbury Park area who would like to practice with me, please let me know. If we can raise the practice numbers up from one person to several people, maybe I can raise my social status from “lone weirdo” to “oddly dressed cult member.” Till then, I’m “keepin’ it on the down lo”. Yo-yo-yo- Peace out! Blessings! THL Thomas “Human Target” Whitehart is also known as “True Thomas the Storyteller”. His website is http://www.truethomas.com.
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